SaHM = Stay-at-Home Mom
I had planned to write about breastfeeding in this post. It was going to be a heartwarming, magical little post about the wonder that is feeding my wee babe. But. Then there was today and some revelations and the plan went by the way side.
I’ve realized that I’m not cut out to be a stay at home mother. In fact, the idea of not working and spending all of my day time hours with my child makes me want to scream in anger or cry in frustration. Or both.
I’ve always felt this way, to be honest. I like working, when I get to pick my tasks, and never really had any interest in staying at home with a child. But I’d also heard, and believed, that this perspective would change once I had a baby. I figured the magic of motherhood would fill me with such productive joy, that the act of watching my baby grow would be so engrossing that the idea of going back to the office wouldn’t appeal. I was all ready to talk myself out of quitting my job at the end of my maternity leave. Yeah, that hasn’t happened. I will be returning to work.
Believe me, she is magic. I could just watch her practice facial expressions for an hour or more. In fact, I often do. But that’s ALL I do. That and breastfeed (see the intended topic of this post). Breastfeeding is my life. And I love it. I’ll go to great lengths not to miss a feeding, even tho she will happily take a bottle and my husband will happily give her one. But the rest of this is…not for me.
The rub of this is that I feel guilty – not about not being ABLE to be a stay at home mother, cuz, really, that wouldn’t support me in the fashion to which I’ve become accustomed – but because I don’t want to be one.
Women, mostly those who don’t have kids, have been exclaiming to me for the last two months: “Oh, how ever will you go back to work? Won’t you miss your bundle of joy?” Sure, I’ll miss her. But I’ll gladly put my slacks on and get back into some sort of adult routine. They also say: “Gosh, I just can’t imagine leaving my baby with a stranger. However will you do it?” Well… I’d love to have a family member who could stay home with my baby. But I don’t. So, I’ll find a nice place with people who seem trustworthy, I’ll kiss her on the forehead and off she’ll go. Really, it’ll be hard, but not the hardest thing ever. That’ll be kindergarten. And her first kiss from someone who isn’t me. And God don’t get me started on college…
Hey, maybe I’m not giving this stay at home mothering thing a fair assessment. Right now, she’s an infant. She stares, makes noises, goes poo, eats, and sleeps. Oh, and screams. Screams bloody murder. And she does these things in such a random assortment that I can’t do anything but attend to her needs or wait to attend to her needs. If I can manage to make a sandwich, not eat it mind you, just make it, in between doing something baby related, it is an accomplishment of the day. I’ve gotten quite good at eating while breastfeeding.
So I watch a lot of television and I spend a lot of time looking at her. While she does very little. Maybe staying at home is more riveting when they’re a full baby you know, that plays and rolls around and…does stuff that requires something more from me. Right now, she just requires that I be here. Which I can do and gladly, but this is getting old.